Year of the Octopus

I remember vividly one year ago meeting my neighbor at an annual breast cancer awareness event. I was newly diagnosed with a mastectomy on the horizon and absolutely no idea how I’d gotten there (to the event, but really in life, in general) or where I was headed. The day was a blur of introductions, speeches, free swag and goodies, a parade and a victory lap around the college campus where the event was held. I was petrified and putting on a brave face, as I often do – the more frightened I am, the more courageous I will look on the outside…unless you look closely.

Tomorrow, we mark that very same event. And I will be there. This time as a survivor.

So much has happened in the past 12 months of my life. I could fill a book. But I won’t. I sailed through the mastectomy with clear margins and no need for chemo or radiation. I floated through reconstructive surgery (though admittedly, it was harder on my body than the mastectomy). But then I found myself in a period of anger and despair.

How is this my life? Fuck all of this!

All of this wasn’t just about cancer. In the meantime, I turned 50, which I never wanted to do, and certainly not like this! I hit menopause – well, actually, it hit me. Like a slap in the face. From an octopus. With all 8 arms flailing in my direction. Repeatedly.

All I wanted to do was turn back time. Let’s do my 40’s all over again! They were awesome! (Except for the last 6 months.) I don’t want any of this crap my 50’s have already shown me. Fuck it – I’ll just go backwards! And so I did. Living like my body didn’t ache. Refusing to look at my naked chest in the shower. Pretending like none of it happened. Because, you know, ignoring shit always works out well! (sigh, eye roll)

But then two things happened that made a huge impact on me and where my mind had gone.

I went to a breast cancer support meeting in August (and thank God for those!) and listened to our speaker talk about how her doctors had convinced her that her cancer was just a terrible accident, that nothing genetic or in her behavior had cause it. Just bad luck. And so she went on living her life without making changes until one day she realized she was miserable. In evaluating where she was physically and emotionally at that time she came to see that her doctor’s had done her a great disservice by saying there was no rhyme or reason for her cancer. It allowed her to not take responsibility for her health. It allowed her to ignore the situation. She finally came to decide that, cancer or not, she needed to make some changes in her habits and lifestyle so she could be healthier, happier and give herself the best possible chance of remaining cancer-free.

As I sat and listened, I realized that her story was very familiar. My doctors said the same thing – nothing I did had cause my cancer and my genetics hadn’t either…just bad luck. And I was doing the same thing, ignoring the situation and not making the changes I needed. Not just changes so I don’t feel bad. I needed to make changes so that I feel good. You know, for my age.

Around that same time I recall walking through the common area in the business incubator outside my office and finding the director wandering around looking haunted, petrified, and lost. She literally looked like she had no idea where she was. I asked if I could help and she said no so I left her alone, but that image haunted me. That week she announced she was stepping down “for health reasons”. I barely knew her and she made it clear she didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t ask. What felt like a minute later, I received a notice that she had passed away. She left her job because she’d been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. She barely had 90 days between learning this and passing away. I would bet my life, the day I found her wandering around was the day she found out. I will never forget that look. I cannot imagine getting a diagnosis like that. It’s so scary hearing your doctor say ‘cancer’. Imagine what it would be like to be handed a cancer diagnosis and a count-down clock in the same breath.

I cannot imagine. I don’t want to imagine. What I do want is to feel better, to make changes that will help enhance and lengthen my life. I want life to feel better, happier, with more love, more laughter, more friends, more activities, more fun. And that means I need to make some changes.

The more I think about it the more I realize they don’t need to be big changes. Just a series of small ones, each one getting me just a tad closer to my goals. Baby steps, right?

Tomorrow, as I participate in the annual breast cancer awareness event I will be walking with thoughts of Dr. Justina Shaw in my head – prayers for her family and grateful that I knew her for the lesson her death taught me. I will walk with the knowledge that I am taking responsibility for my health – physical and emotional. I will share my story with the women who show up looking lost and putting on brave faces. They may not know it, but pretending to be brave and showing up IS brave.

None of us ever wanted to be on this journey. We didn’t want to be part of the club. But we are. And we are stronger together. This year, I’m looking forward to linking arms with all the ladies around me, praying for those we’ve lost, and cheering on those of us who are surviving.

I’m lucky that I get to be 50. I’m fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life. I am privileged to have time to make positive changes. And I’m excited to see what I can do. Because 50 still sucks, but I still have time to change that before 51 hits me. And if that damn octopus comes for me again…can you say calamari?