Before I get started, I just have to let you know I'm doing a little happy dance right now! Why?
Because.
That fucking drain!!
Is gone! Woohoo and good riddance! I cannot tell you what a relief it is not to be carrying around a little hand grenade of blood or waking up at midnight in a pool of my own blood. (Not that waking up in a pool of someone else's blood would be better, but still...)
Cancer I can handle. But that damn drain was taking me down!
Ok, now back to the topic at hand. Courage. I've had several people tell me how brave I am to be handling cancer. I know they mean it as a compliment and I'm grateful that people see me as strong and courageous. I won't speak on behalf of cancer patients in general, but for me, this doesn't feel like a display of of courage. In my mind, saying I'm courageous because I'm dealing with cancer would be like telling a nine-month's pregnant woman that she's brave for deciding to go through with childbirth.
Now don't get me wrong....I gave birth twice and I'm sure at some point before either son breathed official air I decided (loudly!) that I was NOT going to go through with it! BUT alas, babies come anyway. And so does cancer. I'm aware that there are some people who choose not to do battle, but for me it simply doesn't register as a choice. This is the hand I've been dealt, so this is what I've got to deal with. Period. It feels more situational than courage calls for.
That's not to say that I don't have great courage, because I do. When I think about my life and some of the most courageous things I've done, I'm really proud of those choices, my actions and the results. To me, courage isn't about dealing with a situation that you're thrust into, it's about creating the situations, plans, and changes you want in order to achieve new things.
After 19 years in a very unhealthy marriage, I left and started a new household for my children and myself. While I heard other women proposing to stay in their marriages "for the kids", until they left for college, I decided I needed to leave "for the kids", so that they wouldn't head into life believing that what their father and I had created was what a healthy marriage should look like. That took courage.
With two boys in high school and just starting to get my feet under me, financially, I quit my full-time job with a (somewhat) steady paycheck and started my own company. I officially formed the business on April Fools' Day 2015, thinking it might just be the most foolish thing I ever do...but knowing that, with potentially two college tuitions on the horizon, I would not let myself fail. That took courage.
Wanting to experience life in a new place and have a new adventure, I sold my house in Virginia and planted myself in Connecticut for no other reason than because I wanted to. That took courage.
Deciding after a minute and a half in Connecticut that six plus hours was too far away to be proper support for my mother...or as engaged with my younger son and friends as I'd have liked, so I put my new house on the market and moved back down south again. That took courage.
Dealing with cancer doesn't feel like it takes my courage - just my time. I'm not the most patient person, but perhaps this is part of what cancer is teaching me. I have time. Thankfully. And I will spend it patiently doing as my medical team instructs me, trusting that their expertise + my time will = the best results possible. That's not courage, that's just math.
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