It's all gone sideways

I have become consumed with my chest - obsessed really. And not in a good way.  (Is there a good way to be obsessed??) The one silver lining to having breast cancer, aside from survivorship which I assure you I am deeply grateful for, is coming out the other side with brand new, awesome breasts following reconstructive surgery. I’m not the type of person who would have ever opted for “fake boobs” but insert a little cancer and voila! my perspective shifted. I was really excited about it, too.

Until pretty much the day after my reconstructive surgery. I know I was all swollen and a bloody mess, but it just didn’t seem “right”. On the left we have the poor mass of what was left after a mastectomy and then a new implant and yet even after having the implant it doesn’t look full and shapely or feminine. And the big hollow spot that’s been directly under my collar bone since the mastectomy? That was to be filled in by a fat graft. Fat grafting is basically liposuction from your stomach but instead of getting rid of the fat, they re-inject it into your body where you need “filling in”, in my case above and around one side of my breast. But after reconstruction and fat grafting, I still have the same hollow spots as before.

Then we have the right side. The “normal” breast – I opted to have a lift and an implant there to keep it aesthetically as similar to the left as possible. But instead, it was swollen completely sideways – I literally had to hold my right arm away from my body because my breast was out there, off to the side. It’s wider than it is deep and just looks really awkward.

I had follow-ups with the plastic surgeon regularly – every 2-3 weeks and every time he looked at my breasts, he winced a little (as do I every day in the shower – sometimes in tears). He told me that the fat grafting just “didn’t take” but that “sometimes it takes two or three times before it works”. When I complained about the width of my right breast, he just said, “it’s still swollen, it will go down, and the implant will drop a bit making it the correct shape later”. The compete healing time, he said, was three months.

On my last follow up (which was right around the three month mark), upon physical inspection he said, “Oh! So, we decided NOT to put an implant here on the right?” I was shocked by this statement – not only has the “swelling” not gone down after three months and I still have a “sideways” breast, but now he’s telling me there’s not even an implant there?? I said, “What do you mean, there’s no implant?” and he said, “well I didn’t feel one just now.” And I said, “I was supposed to have implants on both sides!” And he replied, “Ok, well, if that was the plan then I’m sure that’s what I did.”

But I’m not. I’m not sure he did anything he was supposed to. I’m pretty sure there really isn’t an implant on my right, despite the fact that that really was the plan, and I was sent a device identification card with the id numbers for two implants. But the way I’ve failed to heal properly has me questioning everything.

It was bad when I wanted to cry every time I looked at my chest. The angry red scars from what I felt to be unskilled cuts (so many women have told me after their implants you could hardly see the scars…mine are everywhere! I look like a fucking patchwork quilt.) The misshapen right side. The crepe paper look of the left side. The hollow spots around half of my left breast. NONE OF THIS IS WHAT I EXPECTED. NONE OF THIS IS OK. It was bad enough feeling this way when I thought, well maybe my body just didn’t take it well; maybe I’m one of the unlucky few who just didn’t heal normally.

But now. Now I want to cry AND I’m so angry. What the hell did this guy do to me? Was it negligence? Was it on purpose? Is it fraud? Who’s going to pay to fix this? I didn’t want to have multiple surgeries, but I can’t live with my chest looking like this. I want to cry every time I see myself naked. And there is ZERO chance I could ever show a lover without expecting to see that same wince even the doctor expressed. I keep going back through all of my paperwork and invoices to see what the plastic surgeon claimed to do – but they’re all filled with cut-off text and medical codes that mean nothing to me. I have no idea what he claimed to have done. I have no idea how to prove what “the plan” was vs. what actually happened. Hell, I don’t even know what happened.

All I know is I don’t look like I should and I’m so fucking angry and sad about it. I can’t spend my life with this chest, but I can’t bear the thought of going through all of the surgical procedures all over again. It’s not like me to be so filled with self-pity, sadness and a complete lack of direction, but I have no idea how to fix this or even what to do first. I think I’m still in a bit of emotional shock. For years I felt like my breasts were two of my greatest features (after my smile 😉) but now all I can think is pride goeth before the fall. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so damn proud of them, maybe this is the universe’s way of ‘putting me back in my place’.

I feel like I’m gearing up for a fight that I have no energy for. But it’s not like me to curl up in a corner with my mouth shut. So…I’m polishing up my battle armor and praying to any God who will listen for protection and help.