In the Pits

I have come to the very sad, very insane, completely ridiculous conclusion that I can no longer shave my armpits effectively. Well, one of them anyway.

Somehow my breast surgery, which also resulted in the removal of a lymph node in my left armpit, has left said pit in a perpetual state of concavity.

And it’s driving me mad.

You should see me in front of the mirror, doing my best to make my armpit become a flat, and therefore razor-friendly, surface. It really is ridiculous. With my left arm up in the air I use my right hand to contort, pinch, stretch and pull at that pit to no avail.

So then I wave my left arm and move it into different positions and start again. No good. But I’m smart and independent and best of all stubborn – I got this! I do all of the above again, BUT I use my left hand to strategically push my huge-temporary-slightly-leftward-slanted breast out of the way…and voila! I’ve got it!! My armpit is absolutely flat! I’m doing a little dance. It’s the little things, you know?! You have to celebrate the little things.

But, alas, I don’t have a third hand to do the actual shaving.

My celebrating comes to a sudden halt at this surprisingly obvious oversight on my part.

No worries…I have tweezers. So, it’s ok, I’ll just retire my razor and pluck my underarms.

Until I realize the hairs I can’t quite get to are in “the shadow of the perpetual concavity”. I thought about just going for it anyway, but a) I’m left-handed and b) I have no feeling in that part of my armpit anymore and c) I’m pretty sure I’ll just pinch all the skin off my arm and bleed to death before I even feel a thing!

Shaving your armpits has suddenly become a life and death situation for me. I guess I can pretend I’m a pioneer woman. Pretty sure those pistol-packin’ mommas didn’t shave nuthin’.

But Annie Oakley I am not. So what’s a modern girl to do?

Maybe armpit shaving should be a team sport? Although I cannot imagine who I’d ask to help me with that task.

Just wait it out, braid the suckers and start a new trend? Tres sexy, no? No.

Pretty sure I’m going to need that third arm. Although, that means a third armpit and at this point I’d really rather not take the risk of multiplying my ridiculous, insane situation.

I know this isn’t what ‘they’ mean when they ask if you’ve got your bikini body ready, but it’s all I can focus on at the moment.

But come to think of it, if everyone’s staring at my super trendy pit-braid, they aren’t likely to notice my thighs or tummy. I knew if I rambled long enough, I’d find the silver lining! (Actually, I was hoping I’d find the solution, but since no one spoke up here I was left to my own devices. Clearly your fault!)